A Book of Dreams Read online

  I watched the wind carry him into the night and for a long time I stood on the platform, watching the stars turn over and over in the sky. I shivered. I felt alone, and I knew I would be alone for a long long time.

  Every night after lights out I went to the window to watch for EAs because they were going to come and take me away. One would land on the lacrosse field behind the dormitory and I would know and they would know, and Daddy would be inside, happy again, smiling.

  Sometimes, if I felt really bad, I snuck up to Blackman’s room. Blackman would lie in bed and I’d sit by the window and we’d talk. He was my best friend. Once, when I cried, he held my hand all night. We talked a lot.

  ‘Oh. Watching the sky again?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Clouds separated the stars.

  ‘Well, what happens if you see one?’

  ‘I mark it down in my notebook. You see, we sort of have to keep a record of everything.’

  ‘Is it all supposed to mean something?’

  It means they are going to come and get me, it means everything is all right. That is how they came and got Jesus because they knew he knew, and they got Daddy and Daddy won’t leave me alone here because he loves me.

  ‘Well, it means that spacemen are sort of keeping an eye on earth.’

  ‘What for? Are they going to take it over?’

  Maybe. But now that they have, Daddy, they know what was happening and the DOR will stop. The attacks will stop. The war will be over. We can be friends.

  ‘No, it isn’t to take it over so much, I guess, just to observe mostly, and see what was happening on earth. They’re friendly.’ Clouds flew away and the sky over the lacrosse field was clear, stars sparkling in the cold November night. Blackman was quiet for a long time. Then he said, ‘Hey, Reich. Do you really believe there is something out there?’

  I nodded solemnly. ‘I really do.’

  ‘Do you believe in God?’

  ‘No, I guess I don’t believe in a regular God.’

  ‘Well, what do you believe in then?’

  I sighed and looked out into the stars. They twinkled and glowed. ‘I believe in a kind of cosmic mind, I guess.’

  ‘You mean like in philosophy books, where a guy has a kind of abstract idea of something bigger but not as definite as God?’

  ‘No, I mean that there is actually a thing out there.’ The stars seemed brighter now, as if they were answering me. ‘A real mass of plasma floating around in space. It’s probably huge, as big as the solar system or the galaxy, but big, and it is all mind. It is all thinking and feeling.’

  ‘Is that like heaven?’

  I thought about that for a while. It was a nice idea because it would be a place where there was nothing but thinking and feeling inside the big pulsating plasma. It would feel good forever.

  ‘Yeah, I guess it would be like heaven.’

  And Daddy would be there, his mind free. He was so sad at the end, when we walked and talked together. He was like a man who was standing on top of the world, looking over into a new world. That is what Daddy was like. He had lifted himself so he was looking over the horizon to a new world, a free and happy world. He stood there on the edge of the universe looking into the future, and when he turned around to say, ‘Come on, let’s go,’ they pulled the ladder out from under him and killed him.

  I turned around and looked at Blackman’s bunk. All I could see was a round lump of blankets.

  ‘Blackman, do you believe in God? … Blackman?’

  He was asleep.

  The days passed sadly. Sometimes at my typewriter, I got garbled messages from Daddy about MODJU and HIGs and Christ and I knew he would come soon. It happened the night that Blackman and MacGregor fixed up a special thing on the doorknob of their room.

  They spent all afternoon after classes wiring the radio so that the wires came around the door frame and, when the door was closed, completed the connection in the door latch. When the door was closed the radio was on, and when the door was open it was off.

  Blackman dusted his hands off. ‘Well, that will drive him crazy. He’ll never be able to figure it out.’

  We tried it a few times and it worked like a dream. As soon as you turned the doorknob, the radio went off. MacGregor stood around, tapping his thumb against his fingertips nervously.

  ‘Hey,’ he said. ‘Do you think we ought to have a rope ladder ready so we can escape when he gets mad? Ha, ha! Hey Reich, why don’t you get your flying saucers to come and rescue us when Herm figures it out? Ha, ha!’

  Herm was a big Persian who was the proctor on Upper North.

  He was a senior who had weights under his bed. He was very strong and sometimes didn’t understand what was happening. That night I went to the bathroom after lights out on a reconnaissance mission to find out what kind of mood Herm was in. He was standing, as usual, in front of the mirrors in his underpants, flexing his muscles.

  ‘How ya doin’, Herm?’ I said, peeing into the urinal.

  ‘Ah,’ he said, grinning at himself in the mirror. ‘Good.’

  He had a big hairy chest and hairy arms and hairy everything. He even had hair on his shoulders and it moved as he wiggled his shoulder muscles. He grinned again. ‘Ah, good.’

  I walked over to the sink to wash my hands and Herm turned to me. He lifted his right leg and held his calf out to me. ‘Hey,’ he said, ‘feel dat.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Here. Feel dat.’ He put my hand on his calf and tightened the muscle. ‘Dat’s a focking brick. Just like a focking brick. Eh?’

  ‘Yeah, Herm, you sure are strong. Well, g’nite.’

  I tiptoed up the stairs and hurried into Blackman and MacGregor’s room.

  ‘Is he okay?’ asked Blackman.

  Sliding under Blackman’s bunk, I said, ‘Yeah, he’s real happy looking at his muscles.’

  ‘Okay, then he shouldn’t get too mad, right?’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘Ha-ha!’ MacGregor giggled in his upper bunk.

  ‘Okay, here goes the radio.’ Blackman flicked the radio on, and soft low rock and roll poured out of the room through the closed door into the hall.

  Blackman and MacGregor pulled their covers up, pretending to be asleep. I pulled my legs in underneath the bunk. The room was dark and we waited for Herm.

  After a few minutes, we saw the shadows of his feet standing in front of the door as he listened. The door flew open.

  ‘Hey!’ Herm shouted. ‘No radio after lights out. Unnerstan’?’

  MacGregor leaned wearily out of his bunk. ‘Huh? Hey, Herm, what are you talking about? Radio? We’re trying to sleep. C’mon.’

  ‘Yeah,’ murmured Blackman. ‘C’mon.’

  Under the bed, I gasped.

  ‘Well, I tot I heard radio. Sorry.’

  He closed the door and we all exploded in laughter. Then we held our breath and listened to Herm’s feet pad down the hall.

  ‘Turn it up,’ said MacGregor. ‘Ha ha!’

  Blackman held the radio under his covers and turned it up good and loud.

  From under the bed I saw the shadows of Herm’s feet come back and stand in front of the door.

  I started giggling. Then I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. The bed rocked as Blackman and MacGregor laughed too.

  Herm’s fist closed on the door and he burst into the room. Silence. Well, almost silence. I could hear Blackman and MacGregor eating their pillows.

  Herm looked around the room with a low growl.

  ‘Aaaaarghh.’

  Then he closed the door. Bam. The rock and roll screamed into the room.

  Come along an’ be my party doll

  Come along an’ be my party doll.

  The door flew open and Herm stood, feet parted in the doorway, snarling.

  ‘Aaaaarrghh. Wot is dis?’ he muttered. The bed rocked with laughter, but the room was quiet.

  Herm closed the door slowly. It was perfectly quiet until the latch hit the metal frame.

&nb
sp; Come along an’ be my party doll

  I wan’ make love to you to you

  Herm burst in and looked into the silent room. Then he closed the door again.

  I wan’ make love to you

  It opened again fast and then he stood there in the hallway, slamming and opening the door, chopping up sound.

  I want

  SLAM!

  to make love

  SLAM!

  to you!

  WHAM! The door burst open.

  ‘Turn it off!’ screamed MacGregor. Blackman, clutching the radio beneath his blankets, turned it off. I was a tiny ball under the bed.

  Herm roared. ‘Wot da fock? Where’s da radio? Wot da fock goin’ on?’

  Blackman tried to look sleepy but his laugh broke through. ‘Uh. Hi Herm. Ha ha we ha we haha were just trying to uh ha ha fix the radio …’

  ‘Fix da radio. Fock da radio! Where’s MacGregor?’ He walked over to MacGregor’s bunk and ripped him out of bed. Holding him with one fist in the middle of the room, he started to shake him.

  ‘What da fock you doin’? Ha?’

  MacGregor wobbled as Herm shook him, but he couldn’t stop laughing, which just made Herm madder.

  ‘We weren’t doing anything, Herm, honest. Blackman was just trying to fix the radio. Honest. Ha ha!’

  Underneath the bed, I was crying with laughter, my legs doubled up against my chest.

  ‘Focking pricks! Focking pricks! Make fun of Herm. I show you. Arrggghhh!’ He drove MacGregor against the wall and Blackman hopped out of bed.

  ‘Hold it, Herm. Wait, don’t kill him! Wait!’

  He started pulling at Herm, but Herm started pushing him towards the window. Blackman turned to catch himself and then he shouted, ‘Holy shit! Look at that!’

  Herm stopped shaking MacGregor and looked out the window. Under the bed I stopped laughing.

  ‘Hey, Reich,’ said Blackman. ‘Look at this. Man, are they here tonight!’

  I slid out from under the bed and squeezed in between them to look out of the window. Three red and green balls were flying in tight formation in the sky over the lacrosse field, flashing, glowing and signalling.

  Herm let MacGregor slide to the floor. ‘Wot da fock? Wot’s going on?’ He looked around the room with a puzzled expression and then back out the window. ‘Foist da radio and den da lights. Wot …? Hey, Reich,’ he shouted, pointing a hairy fist at me. ‘Wot da fock you doin’ here? Get da fock out!’

  Gladly.

  I raced downstairs as fast as I could and whipped into my room. Putting on a jacket, pants and shoes, I opened the window and jumped out onto the lacrosse field.

  The EAs were low in the sky and didn’t seem very far away. They were green and red balls, flitting around in the sky, coming closer and closer. Coming to take me away at last.

  The November wind cooled the tears of laughter on my face and now my eyes began to burn. I walked out across the field towards the EAs. Behind me I heard the murmur of voices as boys leaned out of their windows to watch the balls in the sky. From his window in Upper North, I heard Blackman call, ‘Hey, Reich! Where are you going? Come back! Come back!’

  But I ignored him. The flying saucers were coming to take me away. I had to let them know I was here. If I concentrated hard enough and thought real hard, they would catch my signal. I saw them bobbing in the sky, quivering. My eyes were in give give and they went up through the sky and the wind, saying please come and take me away to the stars, please come, please come.

  Inside the spaceship it was all silver-blue light and there were men standing at the controls. The walls were glowing silver blue except where there were Orgone Radar Screens. The spaceship was filled with the soft hum of the Orgone Motor. The men were in silver blue too, with serious faces as they looked down through the scope at Earth, at Oakwood, and at the lacrosse field.

  It could land right over there at the end of the field if I could only signal them. There must be a signal in case they don’t know. What if Daddy is in the spaceship? How will they know if it is really me and not a spy? I remembered the photograph of the two hands making an energy field, hanging in the observatory. As I walked to the end of the field I started making the energy field with my hands, holding them out in front of me, palms facing. Slowly I brought them together and then apart until I felt the energy field between them. They would be able to see it on the scope.

  Inside the spaceship, the men were preparing to bring it down on the field. The silver-blue light made a soft grey shadow as the captain’s hands moved across the control panel. The energy from his fingertips made small lights blink on and off. The spaceship started a wobbly descent. Daddy looked through the scope and he could see me. He wasn’t wearing his khaki pants and red-and-black checked shirt. They were in mothballs at Bill and Eva’s house in Maine. He was wearing a new uniform made of silky blue, with the spinning wave symbol across his chest. On his shoulders were general’s stars, only these were real stars, five on each side, glowing and sparkling. His face was pink and looked calm and serene as he looked through the scope.

  In the night I walked across the field, making the energy field with my hands, praying that he would come and take me away. ‘Please come,’ I said, looking long and hard at the glowing balls coming nearer out of the sky. ‘Please come and take me away please please. Please, here are my eyes, here I am sending them far out to you. To you. Giving my eyes, please come please.’ Far away in the sky there was a noise. I heard a dog bark.

  Daddy’s eyes were soft and smiling. He was happy because he was going to come and take me away with him to another planet where we would be happy and free. This world wasn’t ready for him. In a new language without words, in a language of thought, the navigator looked at Daddy. Daddy went over to the Orgone Radar Screen that glowed with red and blue specks of light. He could see the three blips from the spaceships and below them, a faint blip where I was making the energy field as a beacon. Then at the corner of the screen he saw what the navigator had seen: the cold, hard blips of Air Force jets.

  The jets came from the south. They were closing in fast with blinking lights and a dull roar. My hands stopped going in and out and I stared in horror. The jets were going to chase them away! Oh my God, didn’t they understand that these flying saucers weren’t enemies now? That they had Him? O God, please don’t let them chase him away. Please come quickly. Come quickly to the field and take me. Oh, please, please! I started running across the field while at the other side of the sky the jets circled to take bearings and then they started to close on the spaceships. I watched the sky from the middle of the earth.

  Daddy’s face was still as he watched the radar screen and saw the jets come closer and closer. Then he moved back to the other scope and watched me standing in the field, running and stopping, looking up and moving my hands in and out. ‘Give me your eyes, Peeps,’ he whispered. The captain thought to Daddy and told him they had to move fast or the jets would strike. Daddy thought at me in the screen. ‘Peter, we cannot come and save you. You must be brave and stay here on Earth.’ His tears, when they hit the soft blue screen, made little soft noises. ‘I’m sorry, Peeps, sonny. We have to go. They still don’t believe it, but we won. We won. Goodbye, Peeps, goodbye. I will always love you.’ He looked at the captain and nodded.

  The balls disappeared very fast, moving into the northeast corner of the sky. They vanished while the jets flew in swirls and webs across the sky.

  The nurses unwrapped me. Slowly, they loosened the sheet. I was crying. My body was intact. My shoulder was back again but I am crying too, thinking a deer a deer a deer.

  PART TWO

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Le pur enthousiasme est craint des faibles âmes

  Qui ne sauraient porter son ardeur ni son poids.

  Pourquoi le fuir?. – La vie est double dans les flammes.

  D’autres flambeaux divins nous brûlent quelquefois:

  C’est le Soleil du ciel, c’est l’Amour, c’est la
Vie;

  Mais qui de les éteindre a jamais eu l’envie?

  Tout en les maudissant, on les chérit tous trois.

  ALFRED DE VIGNY (1797–1863), ‘La Maison du Berger’

  LOOKING OUT OVER the Maine countryside from the top of the hill, at the end of a gently curving path and gathered in among trees, stood the tomb. It was big, about ten feet long and five feet wide. Its walls of cemented rock resembled those of the larger rock building at the other end of the path, only instead of a gravel porch on top, the tomb was covered with a slab of salt-and-pepper granite. Cut thick, the granite top looked like a real roof: a peak extended down the middle creating a slight pitch and giving the rain a place to fall from, out away from the rock walls.

  In the middle of the granite, on the side of the roof that sloped out towards open countryside, was bolted a larger-than-life bust. Sitting next to the bust on top of the hard, speckled granite, one might have let one’s eye be drawn over two or three miles of spruce, fir and birch forest to where Hunter Cove brought Rangeley Lake into view at the base of sloping pastures. On a clear day, Mount Washington and New Hampshire’s White Mountains gleamed on the southwest horizon. It was a good view, carefully maintained and held above groping young treetops by Tom Ross’s axe.

  Nearly ten years after the death of the man who first hired him to care for that land, Tom Ross was the only one who remained. Salaried by a trust fund created by the will, he served that part of the will which established a museum and provided for upkeep of the grounds. In summer, on scheduled days at posted hours, Tom Ross and his wife, Bea, showed visitors through the museum. The rest of the time he mowed lawns, maintained the buildings, looked after his grandchildren and great-grandchildren (a growing brood) and worried about Social Security. On snowshoes in winter, he went back into the forests of Orgonon with his axe to trim trees. Working slowly and carefully with measured strokes of his axe, he cleared away underbrush and dead branches so the forests would grow straight and tall around the shoulders of the hill.